The Scottish Parliament’s first days: a personal memoir pt.2

PART TWO: THEIR SATANIC MAJESTIES
n May 1999, on the first day of Parliament proper, I was in for a couple of shocks. Firstly, I’d been a strong supporter of a Parliament, and had told doubters that, as a reporter, I’d been to business and trade union conferences, teachers’ meetings, the General Assembly of the Church [...]

Lib-Dems preparing for government – again?

YOU would have thought the election had already been held, what with the machinations and the plotting which is taking place at Holyrood. But, it is the summer recess, I suppose, so the army of researchers, aides, spin doctors and the like have to have something to talk about.
The current favourite is the likely outcome [...]

Column: You scratch my backwoodsmen, I’ll scratch yours

News that Nick Clegg and David Cameron might speak at each other’s party conferences has caused the usual outbreaks of rage, fury, and condemnation. You wish sometimes that folk would react in a calm and restrained manner to developments. Then you see them speaking on the telly and realise they did react in a calm [...]

Sketch: Canape, won’t pay

aving unavoidably missed a few weeks of First Minister’s Questions, I managed to tune in to the final session and, as I saw the familiar coupons – Whitton, McNeil, Eadie, Curran – behind Elmer Fudd variously emoting bile or vacuity, my own face fell, and clouds of gloom threatened my sunny spirits.
I don’t know what [...]

Opinion: The patheticness of Gauguingate

By James Browne

Something is missing from the Frank McAveety “Gauguingate” yarn.
Interest.
When I heard that he’d quit as convener of the public petitions committee, I imagined that the chain of events was something like this:
McAveety ripped off his clothing, revealing a wince-inducing “three lions” tattoo in a most unusual location. Committee Room One cleared in seconds [...]

Sketch: Floccinaucinihilipilification follies

Last week, I began this sketch with a complaint about having to listen to porkies in Parliament. By a curious, almost cosmically mystical coincidence, it was also one of those rare occasions in which I thought Labour leader Elmer Fudd had made a good point. Oh, I should have known better. Silly, silly, silly me. [...]

Sketch: Llama mince and retold porkies

rollies up, ladies and gents, as we prepare to be sprayed with more immature ordure in the baby of parliaments, the numpty nursery, the kindergarten of cack. Actually, I do a disservice to many MSPs with these childish ascriptions. But, speaking personally, I can’t wait for the summer holidays. The toll of hearing retold porkies, [...]

Sketch: Scotland, always knowingly undersold

elcome to the new surreal realities. A Tory Westminster government, with its Lib Dem partners, is considering giving Scotland back £180 million of her own money that the previous Labour administration had kept locked up in a bank vault.
And, as that curiously interesting coalition government struggles to hold together the British arc of prosperity with [...]

Sketch: Shame, embarrassment and business as usual

ack to First Minister’s Queries at Holyrood and, boy, it was depressing. Whatever you think of the Rose Garden press conference at Downing Street – two public schoolboys twittering in front of a birds’ nesting box, just feet from a squirrel-proof feeder – it was charming and lovely. And whatever you think of Clegg and [...]

Scots Tories told to pack their bags

The Scottish Conservatives have been hit with a double blow – a party grandee calling for them to be scrapped, and a spokesman confirming that they will soon have to move into smaller, less luxurious premises.
The Scottish Conservatives endured a dismal general election last week when they won only seat. But there was worse to [...]

‘Changes needed’ as Scot Tories plan poll inquest

Senior Scottish Tories admitted today there would have to be an inquest into the party’s disastrous performance in the general election. “There will have to be changes,” one senior figure said.
The Scottish Tories targeted 11 seats in Scotland and spent hundreds of thousands of pounds in their best-managed and most detailed election campaign in decades. [...]

Sketch: Except for viewers in Scotland…

ore news from St Elsewhere as, once again, Holyrood became a haven from politics. Politics, you will understand, is something that now happens on television. That’s where we hear the debates (Unionist v Unionist v Unionist), witness the gaffes and – based on choice of tie and cut of jib – decide which leader looks [...]

Election briefing: Politicians’ pilgrimage – the tale so far

By John Knox
“Are we nearly there?” I can hear the people at the back asking. Afraid not. There’s many a weary mile to go on this long pilgrimage to Downing Street.
Like characters from Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, the party leaders have been trotting along on their horses, entertaining us with stories of where they’ve come from [...]

Sketch: Carbon emissions a smokescreen for the main political event

Once more, there was a feeling that real life was elsewhere as the Scottish Parliament went through the motions at First Minister’s Questions.
As is traditional, the first motion was produced by opposition Labour leader Iain Gray, known to the masses as Elmer Fudd. He focused on carbon emissions and, in a surprise development, thought the [...]

Lib Dems attacked over plan to charge VAT on new homes

The Liberal Democrats launched their Scottish manifesto today, but were immediately forced on to the defensive over their plans to put VAT on new houses.
In a particularly damning criticism, the organisation Homes for Scotland described the proposal as “sheer madness”. A number of housebuilders lined up to condemn the proposals.
The Scottish Liberal Democrats launched their [...]

Cameron promises to be quizzed by Holyrood every year

David Cameron promised today that he would come to Holyrood every year if he became Prime Minister to face questions from MSPs of all parties in the Scottish Parliament.
Mr Cameron’s pledge was included in the Scottish Conservative manifesto, which was launched in Melrose today.
The Conservative leader has made it clear in the past that he [...]

Election briefing: everything – including the ash – is up in the air

By John Knox
The cherry trees are out and there’s spring, and ash, in the air. In fact, as we enter the third-last week of this long, long campaign, everything else is still in the air.
Except for the aircraft, that is. The ash cloud from Iceland has reminded us that the planet is still in charge [...]

Sketch: lava actually

t last, it was time for the big televised debate between the main party leaders.
That’s right. First Minister’s Questions.
After an Easter break, the weekly roister-doistering got off to its usual formulaic start with Labour leader Elmer Fudd, born Iain John Bull Gray, asking First Minister Eck Salmond, born Dolores Braveheart Blenkinsop, about his engagements for [...]

Scottish Parliament sketch: Comfortably numpty

he words “numpty” and “sap” were bandied around the Scottish Parliament today. It’s what you’d expect really, certainly if our politicians truly are representative of what most objective observers agree is a timorous, dimwitted nation.
The homely insults were hurled during First Minister’s Queries, much of which was taken up with the Budget announced in that [...]

Sketch: clowns, crowns and cloth caps

nother First Minister’s Questions, the half-hour of bad-tempered badinage that tests the mettle of our leaders and the patience of the punters. Sometimes, to be quite honest with you for once, I have to go gird my loins to go in. It’s not the show itself that’s so bad. It’s the putting on of the [...]

Sketch: The whole tooth and nothing but

As citizens will have noticed, the weekly hullabaloo at Holyrood is called First Minister’s Questions. It’s not First Minister’s Answers, which is just as well, given today’s shenanigans.
Of course, all politicians are trained not to answer the question. On television, in particular, they listen carefully to it, then talk about something else entirely. Pushed by [...]

Sketch: hypnotic swirl of illusions and delusions

I’m going to count down from ten and, as we get closer to the number one, your eyelids will start to get heavier, and you’ll feel very sleepy. Oh yes. “Just another sketch,” I hear you cry. But this week the boy can’t help it, as hypnotism was the big theme that emerged from the [...]

Sketch: To be or not to be or not to mention the ‘I’ word at all

Good old Holyrood. Just when you think you’re in for a dull time, matters always liven up. Put another way: thank goodness for Annabel Goldie.
And thank goodness somebody mentioned independence.
I’m not saying that knife crime – the subject that opened First Minister’s Questions – is dull. Far from it, obviously. It’s just that [...]

Sketch: Fessing up to messing up

icola Sturgeon apologised yesterday for acting like a lawyer. Arraigned before the notoriously harsh court of public opinion, the health minister decided to break the unofficial politicians’ code of conduct in two ways: she apologised and said she’d got something wrong.
The mob gasped and, unexpectedly, a wave of sympathy flooded towards her as she cried [...]

Sturgeon apologises over support for benefit cheat

NICOLA Sturgeon stunned the Scottish Parliament this afternoon by making a full and frank apology for lobbying a court on behalf of a convicted fraudster, asking him to be spared jail.
The Deputy First Minister caught the Scottish Parliament by surprise by saying “sorry” for the way she dealt with the case of Abdul Rauf, [...]

Sketch: Tasty steaks and rancid carrots: the Parlie session so far

When the school playgrounds fall quiet so, oddly enough, does Parliament. Yup, in line with the children’s holidays, our representatives are on holiday this week, so no sketch on account of there being a lack of sound and fury signifying sod all.
However, I thought I’d take a look at the term so far, spending a [...]

Sketch: Nicola faces enemies at the gate

Well, at least Lunchgate was off the menu, even if we had to put up with a meal being made of the Deputy First Minister writing in support of a fraudster. One Gate closes and another Gate opens.
Fraudgate, or whatever it is, involved Nicola Sturgeon writing a letter on behalf of a constituent recently found [...]

Sketch: Bakunin, where art thou?

Question: is oppositional politics a constructive or destructive thing? In particular, is First Minister’s Questions, highlight of the oppositional week, the best way to do things? The sad answer is: probably. And yet rammies like today’s just seem so, well, 17th century somehow. Delving even further back, you could imagine neanderthal moots that were more [...]

Austerity budget may be Swinney’s easiest yet

t is somewhat ironic that John Swinney, the Finance Secretary, will find it easier to get his budget through the Scottish Parliament this year, when the money is tight, than he has done in previous years.
This is Mr Swinney’s third budget. The first two proved to be torturous and difficult affairs. His main courting partner [...]