WEIR’S YEAR – ‘THE WEIRDOS’

Croatian fans were shocked by Scotland’s victory
Bookie Busters Of The Year

FORGET BBC’s SPoTY; forget the Ballon D’or; forget Oscars and the Queen’s Honours Lists. The Caledonian Mercury’s Stewart Weir delivers his own annual awards, ‘The Weirdos,’ to the unsuspecting, the unwilling and the under-fire sporting personalities and events of 2013, each award coming delivered with added irreverence and a bung of satire …

Juventus Defensive Line
Juventus
Defensive Line
NFL Defensive Line of The Year – Juventus, for their performance vs Celtic at Parkhead in the UEFA Champions League

The Fortnum & Mason ‘Nuts With Dates’ Award – Ross County, caught out by Remembrance Day popping up at the same time again this year and their subsequent excuse for forgetting a minute’s silence ahead of the game against Celtic

The Doctor Who ‘Parallel Universe’ Sonic Screw Driver – Peter Lawwell, who saw Gary Hooper’s value plummet from £29m in a parallel universe to just £5m in the real world in just over a year …

The Felix Ungar/Oscar Maddison Memorial ‘Odd Couple’ Award – Republic of Ireland’s managerial duo Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane

No - not Fearne Cotton
No – not Fearne Cotton
The Canesten Cream ‘Tube Of The Year’ (for any annoying itch that returns) – Charles Green for his (brief) comeback to Rangers

The Pierluigi Collina/John Rowbotham ‘Double Take’ Announcement of The Year – That Fearne Cotton was to take over as head coach of the Scottish national rugby team, when it turned out to be Vern Cotter (left)…

Scottish Sports Channel Of The Year – BBC Alba

Scottish Sports Channel Most In Need Of A Red Button Feature For English Commentary – for the second successive year, BBC Alba

The Pub-full Of Scottish Journalists Vote Of Thanks To The Story That Keeps Giving – goes to … (drum roll) Rangers (again)

Sports Column of The Year – David McCarthy, Daily Record for this musical ditty

Banner of the Year?
Banner of the Year?
Football Graphics Award Of The Year – The Green Brigade for their ‘London Calling’ banner vs Juventus

Commercial Radio Sports Station Of The Year – talkSPORT

The British Leyland/Austin Rover Marina/Ital Award (for the best rebranding of an unchanged heap) – SPFL, for still looking remarkably like the SPL

The Adlai Stevenson ‘Most Forgotten Runner Who Came Second In A Two Horse Race’ Memorial Shield – David Longmuir, beaten by Neil Doncaster for the SPFL CEO job ..

'Scotland Tonight' Best Sports Debate Programme
‘Scotland Tonight’
Best Sports Debate Programme
The BBC ‘Sports Personality of the Year’ Snobbery Award – those of the ‘SPOTY’ adjudication panel who managed to overlook Ronnie O’Sullivan and Carl Froch as nominees …

Scottish Sports Debate Programme Of The Year – Scotland Tonight

Sports Book Of The Year – despite not receiving a review copy the title goes to ‘SPAIN: The Inside Story of La Roja’s Historic Treble’

The Parker Golden Pen (for services to the ink industry) – joint winners this year, boxer Ricky Burns and Ryan Stevenson of Hearts

Falkirk Artificial Pitch
Falkirk Artificial Pitch
The British Standard Kite Mark Non-Award (for not adhering to the manufacturers recommendations) – Falkirk FC, who failed to keep a naked flame (and Rangers fans) away from their new plastic pitch

The Hilti Power Tools Golden Rivet Gun – Stenhousemuir, who can use it the next time the roof comes off at Ochilview and forces the postponement of a live TV match

The Sid James ‘Carry On Regardless’ Oscar – Brian Stockbridge of Rangers. Nominated – Neil Doncaster, SPFL

David Francey Memorial TV Football Commentator Of The Year – for the third year running, joint winners Ian Crocker (Sky Sports) and Derek Rae (ESPN) (after the unification of the award)

Rangers Board Re-elected
Rangers Board Re-elected
Home Town Boxing Decision Of The Year – Ricky Burns for being battered to a draw with Raymundo Beltran

The Central Politburo ‘Why Bother Having A Vote In The First Place’ Electoral Cross In A Box – The Rangers Board, for being re-elected at club’s AGM

Vincent Lunny Tunes Merit Award For Policing Football – Jonathan Sutherland (replacing Rob Maclean) and the agenda-setting BBC Sportscene

The John Candy ‘It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time’ Memorial Award – Kilamrnock chairman Michael Johnston for sacking Kenny Shiels

Neil Doncaster
Neil Doncaster
The Viridor Recycling Headlines Trophy – Hibs (for a second successive year) after losing 3-0 to Celtic in the Scottish Cup final enabled countless sub-editors to pack away 111-year-old puns for another year

The ‘Where’s Wally’ Sports Administrator Of The Year Award – Neil Doncaster for his ‘appearances’ at Hampden during 2013

The Betfred Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Ian Black of Rangers

The Paddy Power Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Michael Moffat of Ayr United

The Ladbrokes Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Ian Black of Rangers

The McBookie Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Michael Moffat of Ayr United

The Scotbet Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Ian Black of Rangers

The Corals Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Michael Moffat of Ayr United

Scotland - shock loss to Wales
Scotland – shock loss to Wales
The Captain Nemo ‘Plunging The Depths’ Award For 2013 – Scotland national team losing to Wales at Hampden

The Tote Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Ian Black of Rangers

The Political Correctness Nod Of Approval – to everyone who said Eden Hazard of Chelsea was out of order to manhandle Swansea ballboy Charlie Morgan

Hypocrites of The Year – to everyone who said Eden Hazard of Chelsea was out of order to manhandle Swansea ballboy Charlie Morgan, but really wanted to say he didn’t kick him hard enough

The Bet 365 Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Michael Moffat of Ayr United

The Skybet Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Ian Black of Rangers

The 888sport.com Award For Services To The Betting Industry – Michael Moffat of Ayr United

How The Ashes Were Won DVD? (Royalty Free Image from PDPics.com)
How The Ashes Were Won DVD?
(Royalty Free Image from PDPics.com)
Bookie Busters Of The Year – Scotland national team for beating Croatia in Croatia

The ‘Shot At Glory’ Award (for the Christmas DVD consigned to the bin before Christmas) – ‘England 2013 – How The Ashes Were Won’ …

The Glade ‘Fresh Air’ Shot of The Year – Scott Brown of Celtic for his swipe at Neymar

KFC ‘It Tasted Like Chicken’ Family Feast – Branislav Ivanovic, having been nibbled by Luis Suarez

Unwanted Label Of The Year – Ryan Gauld, ‘who could be Scotland’s Lionel Messi’ …

Most Missed Sportsman of 2013 – Graeme Swann, especially by Australia’s middle order

Ryder Cup 'Ambassadors'
Ryder Cup ‘Ambassadors’
The 2013 ‘No, No, NO!’ Moment – Organising Committee of the 2014 Commonwealth Games on hearing Sir Chris Hoy had retired and wouldn’t be pedalling at the Sir Chris Hoy velodrome

The Michael Jackson ‘White Gloves’ Award (for items used for no apparent reason) – Ryder Cup ambassadors Ruud Gullit, James Nesbitt, Jodie Kidd and Alan Hansen, and Marvin Humes, or Marvin ‘Whatshisname’ as he’s better known from that forgettable boy band

The Bostik ‘Most Bonding Force In Global Sport’ – Cardiff boss Malky Mackay who has gained support from every quarter. Highly commended in that category – Nelson Mandela

The Joseph Goebbels Memorial Propaganda Degree – the Green Brigade (for believing their own hype)

Bluebirds in Red?
Bluebirds in Red?
Music To Read Green Brigade Banners ByThe Noveltones

The Gary Lineker 1986 World Cup Shorts Award (for the most ill-fitting nickname in sport) – the red-clad Cardiff City ‘Bluebirds’

The National Lottery ‘Arthur, Guinevere, Lancelot and Merlin’ Ball (for making up the numbers) – Marseille in Champions League Group F, for scoring ‘nil pois’ in giving Arsenal, Borussia Dortmund and Napoli someone to play

The Frank Sinatra Award (for comebacks in sport) – Audley Harrison, who then retired again …

Audley Harrison
Audley Harrison
The Most Word Used In Scottish Sport With No Evidence That It Exists – goes to ‘legacy’

The Second-Most Word Used In Scottish Sport With No Evidence That It Exists – goes to ‘family’

Lazarus Sporting Comeback of the Century – USA’s America’s Cup winning team

The Jerry-built Sports Arena of The Year – most of those being erected for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil

The Oxbridge Contradiction Diploma (for proving proverbs and sport don’t mix) – Rangers’ Easdale Brothers (that a bird in the hand is not worth two in the boardroom’)

The Johnny Ball ‘Think Of A Number’ Award – Rangers, for making £22m evaporate …

Paul Simon ‘Still Crazy After All These Years’ Prize – Dennis Rodman

William Galliard Memorial Special Communiqué (for the most visible communications officer in sport) – Darryl Broadfoot of the SFA

Team of the Year – New Zealand All Blacks

The London Bus Company Plate (for waiting ages to suddenly get two in quick succession) – Chris Froome, Tour de France winner

StadiumThe ‘What Does That Remind Me Of’ Award for Sports Architecture – what else but this

The Sparks ‘This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us’ Gold Disc – Ally McCoist and Charles Green

Monklands District Council Memorial ‘Jobs For The Boys/Perks Of The Job’ Award – Scotland assistant manager Mark McGhee, unwanted as a club manager but in great demand as a summariser …

The Father Ted Crilly Accountancy Degree – Brian Stockbridge

The Khaled Hosseini/Christopher Robin Kite Flyer of The Year – Peter Lawwell for suggesting Celtic might play their Champions League qualifiers in 2014 at Old Trafford or in Dublin’s Aviva Stadium

The Cool Runnings Trophy (for services to bobsleighing, tobogganing, luge, skeleton and sledging) – Australia’s Ashes-winning cricket team

The Dolly The Sheep Cloning Award – joint-winners, to all Scots broadcasters who believe they have to sound like Jonathan Watson doing an impersonation of Jim White

… and by no means least,

The Golden Rose of Montrose (for Scottish Broadcaster of the Year) – Jim White, for his Deadline Day drama (except, ironically in Scotland, where nothing happened)

… and, finally,

The Charles Green-sponsored (by other people’s money) Lifetime Achievement Award – Neil Doncaster, SPFL, for making every year in Scottish football seem like a lifetime