Home Column STEWART WEIR’S ANNUAL AWARDS: THE WEIRDOs

STEWART WEIR’S ANNUAL AWARDS: THE WEIRDOs

Most Bewildered Look In Scottish Sport For 2012 – Craig Whyte

A Big Boy Did It And Ran Away Award – won jointly by Sir David Murray and Craig Whyte

Group Of Death Of The Year 2012 – joint winners: European Championship finals group draw which matched Germany, Holland, Denmark and Portugal and Champions League group containing Real Madrid, Manchester City, Ajax and Borussia Dortmund

The Noel Edmonds Deal Or No Deal Merit Trophy – Craig Whyte with HMRC

The Scottish Sports Personality Of The Year Award (In Any Year Other Than 2012) – Boxer Ricky Burns (left)

Most Bewildered Look In Scottish Sport Management For 2012 – Neil Doncaster

Rugby Player Who’s Retirement Tributes Far Outweighed His International Contribution – Dan Parks

The ‘Donkey Out Of Shrek Jumping Around In The Background Making A Noise About Nothing To Get Noticed On A Day When There Are Bigger Stories In Town’ Award – Peter Lawwell of Celtic, on the day the administrators spoke to the Rangers players and Prime Minister David Cameron came to Scotland to meet First Minister Alex Salmond

Meaningless Handshake Of The Year (or The Assumption They Are Not Masons Award (England)) – Patrice Evra and Luis Suarez

Meaningless Handshake Of The Year (or The Assumption They Are Not Masons Award (Scotland)) – Kenny Sheils and Hearts manager Paolo Sergio

The Father Ted Crilly ‘The Money Was Merely Resting In My Account’ Memorial Award – Craig Whyte

The ‘Mother’s Pride Outsider Of The Year’ – Roy Hodgson for getting the England job ahead of Harry Redknapp

The Pedigree Chum Special Merit Award – Rosie the bulldog (owner Mr H Redknapp, Sandbanks, left), for her understanding of off-shore tax accounts

The Iceland ‘Please Follow The Defrosting Instructions’ Award – Groundsman at Stade France who failed to thaw the pitch leading to the postponement of France v Ireland Six Nations game

Most Filmed Car Park (Not In The Title Sequence Of A 70’s Cop Show) – Murray Park, beating various golf clubs Harry Redknapp visited in the past 12 months

Scottish Sports Channel Of The Year – BBC Alba

Scottish Sports Channel Most In Need Of A Red Button Feature For English Commentary – BBC Alba

I Drive A BMW Award – Ally McCoist for flashing his motor at least three times a day from January until May

The Ubiquitous Chip Award For Being Totally Ubiquitous – Stephen Craigan

The Tom Daley Most Wide Of The Mark Splash Of The Year – Ally McCoist to quit as Rangers manager by James Traynor

The Duff & Phelps Being Rewarded For Getting It Wrong Award – James Traynor who is set to become Communications Director for Rangers

The Weedol Shield Award To The Player Who Lives Up To The Mantra: ‘I Don’t Have Dandelions, Buttercups Or Daisies In My Garden Because Anything Above Grass Height Gets It’ – Ian Black (Hearts, Rangers and Scotland)

The Irony Is Lost On Us Fans Song Of The Year – “The Huns are going bust, the Huns are going bust’ (Hearts supporters at Ibrox during 2-1 win in March, failing to notice how many times HMRC had been to court to wind-up their club, that is some £30m in debt)

The Queen/David Bowie ‘Under Pressure’ Poisoned Challis Of The Year – to Cameron MacRitchie, Callum Airlie, Jordan Duckitt, Desiree Henry, Katie Kirk, Aidan Reynolds and Adelle Tracey who lit the London 2012 Olympic flame and will now be watched relentlessly to see if they can perform

Vincent Lunny Tunes Merit Award For Policing Football – Rob Maclean and the agenda-setting BBC Sportscene

The Bob Malcolm Fan Bonding AwardCeltic’s Victor Wanyama for this effort …

The Gadget Shop (or The Excuse Which Shows Today Players Are Right Up There With Technology) Award – Celtic’s Victor Wanyama for claiming he knew about Photoshop

The Thames Water Authority Award – Sir Dave Richards for this effort

The Sheena Easton Trans-Atlantic Accent Of The Year – golfer Martin Laird

The Rt Hon David Cameron ’LOL’ ShieldSnooker and pool referee Michaela Tabb for this effort

Longest Sentence Broadcast In Sport Through Gritted Teeth – Sir Alex Ferguson congratulating Manchester City on winning the Premier League title

Manchester City Player Of The Year Award – Joey Barton

The Brasso Restoration Award (For Excessive Use Of The Word ‘Tarnished’) – Mark Hateley

The Kit-Kat ‘Have A (SPL) Break’ Award – St Johnstone, who thought the season had finished after 33 games and went on holiday

Speech Of The Year – Neil Lennon in accepting the Scottish Football Writers Manager of the Year Award

The Steve Morrow Post-Match Celebration Horror Award – Joe Ansbro and Alasdair Strokosch for their jubilant head-slamming act after the Test win against Australia

The David Mellor Fucking About In A Chelsea Kit For No Real Reason – Triumphant Champions League ‘skipper’ John Terry getting in on the act in Munich

The Viridor Recycling Headlines Trophy – Hibs, who after their 5-1 thumping in the Scottish Cup final enabled countless sub-editors to pack away 110-year-old puns for another year

sportScotland Sponsored Silence Cup – won by Hibs fans returning from Hampden to Edinburgh after Cup Final

Nicest Term Of Endearment Slipped Into A Live TV Sports Interview – Darts legend Bobby George for calling Rona Dougall ‘doll’ during an interview on Scotland Tonight

The ‘Didn’t Need To Wait Long To Be Proved Right On That One’ Award – Northern Ireland’s James McPake, who some tried to make us believe Scotland had ‘missed out on’ – until Holland’s 6-0 friendly win against Michael O’Neill’s team

The Alastair Campbell Media Relations In Sport Award – Kenny Dalglish, then of Liverpool FC for tact and decorum shown at post and pre-match interviews

Wisden Cricket Book Of The Year – The Wisden Almanac

The Out Of Touch Lifetime Achievement Award – UEFA, for believing a bookmakers name is more offensive than racism

The Nicolae Ceauşescu Award (For Trying To Rewrite History And Forget The Crimes Of The Past) Award – Charles Green, for contemplating changing the name of Murray Park

Music You Would Desperately Want Sportsmen To Play On ‘Desert Island Discs’ – Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’ (“is it me you’re looking for”), as the choice of former Celtic coach Alan Thompson

The Dan Quayle Geographical And Historical Lectures Merit Diploma – BBC’s Hazel Irvine for inadvertently awarding Bradley Wiggins the status of being ‘the first rider from the British Isles to win the Tour de France’ when it was Stephen Roche

Gracie Fields Memorial ‘Goodbye, Wipe The Tears From Your Eyes Goodbye’ – jointly won by ‘The Three Stevens’ boy band (Steven Whittaker, Steven Naismith, Steven Davis) for their ‘emotional’ farewells to Rangers

Inevitable That It Will Happen Award – cyclist Frank Schleck failing Tour de France drug test

Inevitable That It Will Happen And What Will Be Said Next Award – cyclist Frank Schleck failing Tour de France drug test and claiming ‘I’ve been poisoned.’

Middle Of The Road ‘Chirpy, Chirpy Tweet Tweet’ Hall Of Fame Inductee – SFA’s CEO Stewart Regan for saying farewell to Twitter when really he’d had nothing to say for months

The Owen Hargreaves Breaking Down Again In Training Trophy – G4S for their pre-Olympic debacle

The Eddie Izzard ‘Do You Have A Flag’ Award – To those operators in London who managed to mix up the North and South Korean flags for the Olympic football at Hampden

The Best Non-Sports Word Used In A Sporting Context In 2012 – Vexillology, the scientific study of flags …

The Buckfast ‘Not Everyone In Coatbridge Can Get A Fight On A Saturday Night’ Award – Ricky Burns

Commercial Radio Sports Station Of The Year – talkSPORT

Andy Warhol 15 Minutes Of Fame Award – Rangers ownership candidate Bill Miller

Time For A Career Change Belt – goes to 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011 winner Audley Harrison (right)

The Ticketus Trophy – Elgin City, for their ticket sales around their SFL game with Rangers when they sold too many tickets, probably entirely due to issuing photocopied complimentary tickets, that were then re-photocopied again, and again, and again …

Scottish Sports News Programme Of The Year – Scotland Today

Most Surprise Winner Of 2012 – Jean-Claude Lorient, who, after various drug failures, disqualifications and subsequent retrospective bans, was awarded the 2001 Tour de France despite finishing 132nd in the race …

The ‘Where’s Wally’ Sports Administrator Of The Year Award – Neil Doncaster, for his guest appearance roles at Hampden through the second half of 2012

The ‘Allo ‘Allo Diploma For Improving Anglo-French Relations – zis yur gowd to formoor Newchateau United, Mongchestuer Citee and Qongs Poork Rangiers midfielder Joey Barton for learning French in a fortnight

The Benjamin Disraeli Or Was It Mark Twain Lies, Damn Lies And Statistics Lifetime Achievement Award – Winner: FIFA World Rankings. Highly commended: Former Scotland rugby coach Andy Robinson

The Guildford Four/Birmingham Six ‘We Were Telling The Truth All Along’ Anniversary Cup Of Goodwill – Rangers, for winning their tax appeal against HMRC

Pinning A Kilt On A Story To Give It A Scottish Angle – The Scottish Sun Sport tweet describing sacked Blackburn Rovers manager Henning Berg as ‘ex-Rangers’ when he played just 20 games, having played 66 for Manchester United and 250 for Blackburn …

Andy Roxburgh/Vidal Sassoon Memorial Hair Rinse Award – Celtic legend Peter Grant for his ever-darkening bonce

The Sony Use Of Modern Technology To Give Someone His P45 Award – The Scottish Football Association and Stewart Regan in the use of video and telephone conference calling to bump Craig Levein

The Two-Horse Race Of The Year
nominations;
Varsity boat race
Varsity rugby match
the Ryder Cup
and the race to see who would get bumped first between the national sports coaches of football and rugby in Scotland.

And the winners were (drum roll and cymbal crash (sponsored by Slingerland and Zyldjian) – Craig Levein and Andy Robinson

Most Implausible Sporting Excuse Of The Year – That Ian Black was booed by Hibs fans when coming on at Easter Road to make his Scotland debut v Australia

The 1967 Wembley Award (For Getting Completely Carried Away Over One Result) – those caught up in the euphoria and hype over Celtic’s victory against Barcelona, “the greatest team in the world*” (*who at the time of the game were neither champions of Europe, or even Spain …)

The Dolly The Sheep Cloning Award – Former Motherwell defender Stephen Craigan for giving the impression there are (unfortunately) several of them

Scottish Sports Debate Programme Of The Year – Scotland Tonight

Sports Book Of The Year – Henrik, Hairdryers and The Hand Of God: Extraordinary Tales from the Press Box

Highly commended and recommended – Barca: The Making Of The Greatest Team In The World

Highly recommended – The Price of Vice (Andy Ritchie)

Highly touted through desperation – Balls!!: The Scottish Sun’s A-Z of Football’s Funniest Stories

Retirement From Sport Announcement of the Year – 2011 winner Ronnie O’Sullivan

Retirement From Sport Again Announcement of the Year – 2011 winner Ronnie O’Sullivan

Retirement From Sport That (Will Probably) Fail To Materialise Announcement of the Year – 2011 winner Ronnie O’Sullivan

Eddie Murphy/Dan Aykroyd Trading Places Award – Kenny Shiels who now fills seats in various football ground grandstands and SFA disciplinary hearing times vacated by countryman Neil Lennon

David Francey Memorial TV Football Commentator Of The Year – joint winners Ian Crocker (Sky Sports) and Derek Rae (ESPN) (after the unification of the award)

The Andy Stewart, Kenneth McKeller, Calum Kennedy, Moira Anderson, Fran & Anna, Sydney Divine Singing The Praises Of Scotland Award – to the eejits who counted Scottish medals at London 2012 while completely ignoring many were won alongside other UK nationals in team events

Sporting Tournament With The Most Meaningless Matches To Arrive At The Same Four Or Five Team Contesting The Semis Every Year – Heineken Cup

National Enquirer Exclusive Interviews No-One Was Interested In – goes to Reporting Scotland’s for their interviews with the shamed Craig Whyte

Barclays Bank Award (For The Most Career Severance Cheques Deposited) – former Aberdeen striker Eric Black

Tim Of The Year
Nominations
Neil Lennon
Rod Stewart
Neil Lennon
Raman Bhardwaj
Neil Lennon

And the winner is …. C2 Olympic gold medallist Tim Baillie

Scottish Power Excuse Award For Excuses Due To Scottish Power – Motherwell for abandoning their league game against Dundee United in October months after floodlight failure against Hibs

BBC Sports Personality Of The Year 2012 Biggest And Most Blatantly Overlooked Achiever – Frankel

The Wiseman Dairies ‘Milking A Story For All It’s Worth’ Golden Churn – BBC Scotland for this effort

Hun Of The Year
Nominations
James Traynor
Graham Spiers
Charles Green
Ally McCoist
Raman Bhardwaj

And the winner is …. Snooker referee Michaela Tabb for efforts like this

The Above And Beyond Sporting VC – Former Rangers and current Blackpool defender Kirk Broadfoot for promoting ‘Henrik, Hairdryers and The Hand Of God’ when there was a chapter in the book dedicated to slagging him off …

Best Interviewee Award For Talking About Or On Behalf Of Someone Who Is Either Never There To Be Interviewed Themselves Or Too Busy To Collect Another Award – Winner: Graeme Obree (on behalf of Sir Chris Hoy). Highly commended: Judy Murray (on behalf of Andy Murray)

The Hacienda Memorial Award ‘Most Talked About Club Of The Year’ – Club 12 (proprietor Dundee FC)

The ICI Lifetime Achievement Award To Services To The Chemical Industry – Lance Armstrong

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