Britain stands on the verge of a constitutional crisis today after suggestions that Queen Elizabeth II appeared to snort with derision as she laid out the coalition government’s legislative programme.
After a shorter than usual Queen’s Speech – lasting just 17 seconds and consisting mostly of the word “Um” – the head of state appeared to take a drag on a Woodbine and shake her head sadly.
Westminster officials have strenuously denied claims she then muttered: “Whit a load of keech.”
They also sought the quash rumours that the 86-year-old then stalked down to the Strangers Bar to see if Eric Joyce was up for a square go.
Apparently, the British monarch was piqued that the politicians who had prepared the speech were posher than she was.
Key proposals of the speech included:
- Monitoring all internet usage, especially the dirty bits.
- Turning the court system into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.
- Returning employees’ rights to a level more in keeping with the 13th century.
- Establishing a Royal Commission to see if there is a point to the Lib Dems.
A spokesman for Buckingham Palace later sought to excuse the incident, explaining that the Queen had been under considerable strain: “Her Majesty had spent a long and difficult morning on the Hibs website trying to get tickets for the Scottish Cup Final. She was particularly vexed that the site kicked her out and is now relying on her old CCS pals to get her to Hampden. Ya radge.”