After Heineken, 7 other inappropriate Bond product placements

Buckfast bottle
Shaken no' pishd. Picture: Daniel Naczk
Buckfast bottle
Shaken no' pishd. Picture: Daniel Naczk

So now we know. Heineken refreshes the parts of Her Majesty’s favourite secret agent that other beers can’t reach.

Forty-five million US dollars added to the Broccoli family budget helps, of course. Daniel Craig admitted as much when he gave a less than ringing endorsement to the Dutch beer company. The British Secret Service needs a leg up from makers of the cold stuff. At what point, it’s worth asking, does the Bond brand become so contaminated that the product placement contract has to be doctored with a no? Like Scaramanga, he should keep away from the following odd jobs:-

Tampax
James Bond is not a modern man. He’s often called a dinosaur – and that’s by the less than sprightly Dame Judi Dench. So 007 providing the kindest and most sensitive act of generosity for the ladies in his life would stretch credibility a step too far. As Ian Fleming’s biographer John Pearson said: “The trouble is that Ian gets off with women because Ian can’t get on with women.”

Buckfast
Vesper Martini, shaken not stirred. Mouton Rothschild ’53. Taittinger and Dom Perignon. Heineken (if we must). But the big man cracking open a carafe of Wreck the Hoose Juice with Marvin from The Scheme? Nae chance. Apart from anything else, it’s sourced from a monastery, which is distinctly off-message for such an obvious ladies’ man.

ITV2
Bond doesn’t watch a lot of telly. But if he did, it would probably be rolling international news, surveillance videos or wildlife documentary where the hunter mauls its prey. But the station of fly on the wall shows about Peter Andre, Paris Hilton’s BFF and Fearne Cotton meets Peaches Geldof. Well, Bond would be shooting even more bad guys if he was seen watching that.

Primark
It’s rare to see the fella in anything other than a DJ or Savile Row three piece. If you’re Roger Moore, a safari suit may be in the closet. Daniel Craig will be remembered, however he doth protest, by the La Perla trunks of Casino Royale. Nipping into the What Everyone Wants de nos jours for some Primani clobber is not however a goer.

Argos
Really? At the recommendation of his gadget advisor Q, Bond being directed to self-service check-in with one of those catalogues and a bookies’ pen? About as likely as Richard Kiel flogging Arm & Hammer toothpaste.

The National Lottery
Ursula Andress, Famke Janssen, Halle Berry, Eva Green, Berenice Marlohe. Sean Connery, Daniel Craig and the rest have already won the Lottery. The idea of James Bond fronting a Thunderball which didn’t feature Tom Jones is simply not on.

Ford Mondeo
Everyone knows Bond’s car is an Aston Martin DB5. They’d never let him be seen in anything else. Perish the very thought.