By Stewart Weir
So 2011 is nearly over and 2012 is nearly upon us. A chance to reflect, look ahead, mourn and laugh at what has gone before. And, of course, the opportunity to hand out some of the most wanted, valuable and cherished sports prizes around, The Caledonian Mercury “of the year” awards – or the Weirdos, as they are affectionately known.
So see if you agree with the inebriated nominations panel on the best and worst sporting contributions of 2011…
Best channel for promoting Scottish sport
Best channel for promoting Scottish sport that should have a red button option for the English language
Jeffrey Archer False Start of the Year Award
The Scottish Premier League for no one knowing who was playing when for three weeks.
The How To Spend A Fortune And Wonder What It Went On Award
Winner, Craig Whyte (Rangers); nominated, Kenny Dalglish (Liverpool).
The Robinho “Working Your Ticket” Award
Free kick of the year
Wayne Rooney (for his boot at Miodrag Džudović of Montenegro).
Sponsorship Opportunities Now Available Award
Retirement From Sport Announcement of the Year
Retirement From Sport Again Announcement of the Year
Retirement From Sport That Failed To Materialise Announcement of the Year
Group of Death of the Year
The European Championship finals group draw, which matched Germany, Holland, Denmark and Portugal.
Group of Death of the Year 2012
SPL Manager Who Has To Explain His Own Jokes Award
Kilmarnock boss Kenny Shiels, after his “banter” about a spat with Rangers defender Kirk Broadfoot when he said: “It was the ugly boy from Rangers – the male model from Ayrshire. I think his mascara was running.”
Hansie Cronje Memorial Betting Banker of the Year Award
Occasional Top Sports Tipster of the Year
Raman Bhardwaj, STV.
Bookies’ Favourite Sports Tipster of the Year
UEFA Spectator Control Supervisor of the Year
By popular demand, AZ Alkmaar goalkeeper Esteban Alvarado.
Policeman Unlikely To Get Audition For Taggart Award
Strathclyde Assistant Chief Constable Campbell Corrigan for this gem.
Limited Edition T-Shirt of the Year
Liverpool’s warm-up top proclaiming their support for Luis Suárez.
Playing Down Chances of the Year Award
Team GB cycling boss Dave Brailsford who said his riders won’t win eight Olympic golds next summer.
Trying To Look Surprised When Expectations Are Exceeded In 2012 Award
Ronan Keating “When You Say Nothing At All” Award
John Terry of Chelsea.
TV Sports Programme Living Past Sell-By Date Award
Sports Personality of the Year, BBC.
TV Sports Programme Exceeding Life Expectancy Award
A Question of Sport, BBC.
TV Sports Presenter of the Year With More Influence Than He Could Ever Have Dreamt Of
Rob MacLean of BBC Sportscene for setting the SFA’s retrospective agenda…
Ethnic Ignorance Award
Footballer Being Outplayed By An Animal Award
David Goodwillie of Blackburn Rovers for having to watch a Yak perform.
Most Expensive World Championship To Decide Second Place
Russell Grant Knowing What The Outcome Will Be Nine Months in Advance Award
Anyone who predicted Sebastian Vettel would be F1 world champion. Nominations for anyone who predicted Sébastien Loeb would win the WRC, or who predicted Barcelona would win the Champions League.
The Above And Beyond Award of the Year
Darren Fletcher (Manchester United and Scotland).
Sticks and Stones Award
Steve Kean (Blackburn Rovers).
The Travelodge Don’t Book Beyond The Second Friday Award
Andy Murray (at Wimbledon).
The Deputy Dawg Toe Bone Excuse of the Year winner
Wallace Mercer Memorial Trophy For Calculating The Value Of A Football Club
Vladimir Romanov (Hearts).
Horse Whisperer of the Year
For the reaction Ally McCoist achieved whispering in Neil Lennon’s ear after the Scottish Cup tie at Celtic Park.
If We Could Play The Last Seven Minutes Again Award
Scotland XV versus Argentina at the Rugby World Cup.
Attempted Tackle (and Attempted Murder Charge) of the Year
Ex-Rangers full-back Kevin Muscat of Melbourne Victory for this.
If We Could Play The First Seven Minutes Again Award
Kilmarnock for their performance against Rangers on “Helicopter Sunday”.
Fuel Saving Award
Rangers, for keeping the SPL helicopter grounded on “Helicopter Sunday”.
Sports Music Video of the Year
Nottingham Rugby Fairytale of Nottingham (featuring Grand Master Jacko).
Cricket Innings of the Year
Virender Sehwag ODI world record of 219 against the West Indies.
Rolf Harris “Have You Guessed What It is Yet?” Award
Hearts midfielder Ian Black who supplemented his non-wages from Tynecastle by doing some painting work.
The Kirk Broadfoot Services To Cookery Award
Cricketing legend Shane Warne who earlier this month burned his fingers trying to make a bacon sandwich.
Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Award
Bringing English world champion Adrian Lewis and the man he beat in the final, Scotland’s Gary Anderson, to their Premier League darts tie at the SECC after drink had been taken.
Learning from What Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Award
Bringing English world champion Adrian Lewis on first in Aberdeen.
The Disappearing Act of the Year
Rafa Nadal for his press conference routine.
Most Tattooed Sportsman of the Year
Scottish boxer Ricky Burns.
Sports Tweet of the Year
“Sh! Frame 14 under way. You could cut the tension with a Black and Decker tension cutter” – from Stephen Fry, as he watched the world snooker semi-final and the majority of the world watched the Royal Wedding.
The Completely Vindicated Sports Performance of the Year
John Higgins, winning his fourth world snooker title a year after being implicated in a betting scam.
Putting Two and Two Together Sports Broadcast of the Year
RTÉ, after that Higgins victory.
Most Disappointed Fan of the Year
This chappie (still to be tracked down) after this miss by Equatorial Guinea against Norway.
Sportsman of the Year
Indian cricket captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni for reinstating England batsman Ian Bell.
Fantasy Transfer of the Year (that failed to materialise)
Ronaldinho to Blackburn Rovers.
Fantasy Transfer of the Year (that did materialise)
Fernando Torres to Chelsea.
Not Using A Parental Guidance Warning Or Flashing Lights Notice During A Broadcast When It Should Have Been Used Award
BBC Scotland, for not cautioning viewers to the appearance of Cillian Sheridan’s Christmas jumper on Sportscene.
David Francey Memorial TV Football Commentator of the Year
Derek Rae (ESPN).
* For those who have noticed two winners of this title, like darts, there are two versions of it…
Party Night Down The Local When A World Championship Broke Out Award
Breaking A Record We Never Thought Would Be Broken Award
New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees for beating Dan Marino’s 27-year-old NFL regular season passing record.
Donation Of Human Body Parts To A Needy Cause Award
David Luiz, Fabricio Coloccini and Marouane Fellaini to Wayne Rooney.
Multiple winner in various categories including Short Lifetime Achievement Award, Precocious Talent Of The Year, Stupidest Hair Style Of The Year, Silly Hat Award, Not Paying Attention To Public Information Films About Fireworks Award and Thinking He Is Santa Claus Trophy
Mario Balotelli of Manchester City.
– Tweet Stewart Weir with thoughts and comments, @sweirz